Its Sunday night and I am preparing to go to Honduras with Vineyard Westside and something happened that I was not expecting. It was a God thing probably and I am not so sure what it meant. I was preparing my passport papers and I came across the line where I had to fill in information about my parents. When I got to the line that asked about my Dad I filled in the information and continued with the rest of the document. I began to think of my Dad and pulled a file labeled Dad (yes everything about my Dad resides in a file). If you don’t know my Father passed away in September of 2003. I stumbled across this note written to me in 1994…
Then it happened…the flood gates opened up. I lost it. I cried and I cried some more. I bawled like a baby. I miss my Dad. I am angry that you are not here to share life with me. I am angry that you will not see me graduate from college (I will be the first Hughes male to do so). I am angry that will you not see me get married and be a grandpa to my kids. I am angry I can’t play golf with you anymore. I am angry at myself for not playing golf with you as much as I could when you were here. I know its not your fault but I am still angry. I thought I had these things called emotions under control. I am writing this through the tears.
Then it dawned on me… I am not in control, God is. God knows my emotions and he knew I needed to cry for whatever reason. God is teaching and loving me a lot lately. Not that His love was not always there, its that my heart was not open to receive it.
Despite all these angry feelings I am happy that my Dad is with God and Jesus. I hope he is giving Jesus a run for his money in a round of golf (I don’t even know if there are golf courses in heaven, but if there is my Dad is playing). I know this is probably not biblical but I don’t care.
I am happy God is urging me to go on a Honduras trip at the end of April. I am scared and excited all at once. I am trusting God to help me raise the money and keep us all safe.
I am happy I am part of a Church with genuine people who want to live life to the fullest. I am happy I will get to know more of them on this trip to Honduras.
Wow… I just gave all the people who read this blog a glimpse into my life that I am not comfortable sharing. This was not a post to gain pity from anyone. I have kept my feelings bottled up inside for a long time and I needed to confess them.
I leave you with this journal entry I wrote shortly after my Dad had passed:
The phone call still rings in my ears. It probably always will. Before we left the hospital they said, â€œno news is good newsâ€. Then the call came around 5:00 in the morning. I knew before I even picked it up that my dad was not going to make it. I donâ€™t know how I stayed strong. Between my momâ€™s cries and words I could not understand because she was so shaken by the news. The streets were lonely much like my life was going to be without my dad. I felt like I was in a dream world. The lonely empty streets beckoning me to go farther to hear news I did not want to hear.
We arrived at the hospital that was also empty besides the people working on my dad. We walked down the hallway and I heard them working on my dad. The machines were going crazy and the nurses were running back and forth. The surgeon at this point was pumping my dadâ€™s heart with his hand. I had to pull my mom back from seeing my dad. This day I will never forget. It will be etched in memory as one of the worst days I had to experience.
Amongst all of this I wonder how I stayed so strong. Of course I cried and shed my fare amount of tears. But I had to ask my self am I normal cause I donâ€™t feel anything about what happened? I did not cry all day at the funeral home. I guess I was at a peace. A peace only God can bring. I knew my dad was alive today as heâ€™s ever been. He is where we all as Christians wish to be. His life on earth has ended but his life continues on in a much better place. This is my desire to be where he is. Not only to see my dad again but to be with God and Jesus.