I Miss You…
Its Sunday night and I am preparing to go to Honduras with Vineyard Westside and something happened that I was not expecting. It was a God thing probably and I am not so sure what it meant. I was preparing my passport papers and I came across the line where I had to fill in information about my parents. When I got to the line that asked about my Dad I filled in the information and continued with the rest of the document. I began to think of my Dad and pulled a file labeled Dad (yes everything about my Dad resides in a file). If you don’t know my Father passed away in September of 2003. I stumbled across this note written to me in 1994…
Then it happened…the flood gates opened up. I lost it. I cried and I cried some more. I bawled like a baby. I miss my Dad. I am angry that you are not here to share life with me. I am angry that you will not see me graduate from college (I will be the first Hughes male to do so). I am angry that will you not see me get married and be a grandpa to my kids. I am angry I can’t play golf with you anymore. I am angry at myself for not playing golf with you as much as I could when you were here. I know its not your fault but I am still angry. I thought I had these things called emotions under control. I am writing this through the tears.
Then it dawned on me… I am not in control, God is. God knows my emotions and he knew I needed to cry for whatever reason. God is teaching and loving me a lot lately. Not that His love was not always there, its that my heart was not open to receive it.
Despite all these angry feelings I am happy that my Dad is with God and Jesus. I hope he is giving Jesus a run for his money in a round of golf (I don’t even know if there are golf courses in heaven, but if there is my Dad is playing). I know this is probably not biblical but I don’t care.
I am happy God is urging me to go on a Honduras trip at the end of April. I am scared and excited all at once. I am trusting God to help me raise the money and keep us all safe.
I am happy I am part of a Church with genuine people who want to live life to the fullest. I am happy I will get to know more of them on this trip to Honduras.
Wow… I just gave all the people who read this blog a glimpse into my life that I am not comfortable sharing. This was not a post to gain pity from anyone. I have kept my feelings bottled up inside for a long time and I needed to confess them.
I leave you with this journal entry I wrote shortly after my Dad had passed:
The phone call still rings in my ears. It probably always will. Before we left the hospital they said, “no news is good news”. Then the call came around 5:00 in the morning. I knew before I even picked it up that my dad was not going to make it. I don’t know how I stayed strong. Between my mom’s cries and words I could not understand because she was so shaken by the news. The streets were lonely much like my life was going to be without my dad. I felt like I was in a dream world. The lonely empty streets beckoning me to go farther to hear news I did not want to hear.
We arrived at the hospital that was also empty besides the people working on my dad. We walked down the hallway and I heard them working on my dad. The machines were going crazy and the nurses were running back and forth. The surgeon at this point was pumping my dad’s heart with his hand. I had to pull my mom back from seeing my dad. This day I will never forget. It will be etched in memory as one of the worst days I had to experience.
Amongst all of this I wonder how I stayed so strong. Of course I cried and shed my fare amount of tears. But I had to ask my self am I normal cause I don’t feel anything about what happened? I did not cry all day at the funeral home. I guess I was at a peace. A peace only God can bring. I knew my dad was alive today as he’s ever been. He is where we all as Christians wish to be. His life on earth has ended but his life continues on in a much better place. This is my desire to be where he is. Not only to see my dad again but to be with God and Jesus.